Dark Shadows Diary, Episode 31

Episode 31, "The Judgement of the Gods"
Aug. 8, 1966

Revenge is a pretty easy concept to grasp. David Collins, who has a tenuous grasp on the most basic concepts of morality, even understands how revenge works. It's not rocket science.

Which makes it all the more frustrating that Burke Devlin doesn't seem to really know what the word "revenge" means. Since his return to Collinsport in the first episode, he's been more of a pain in the ass than anything else. In the last episode, he produced the missing bleeder valve from Roger's car, seemingly ending the long-standing mystery behind the near-fatal-but-not-that-bad wreck that left the Butterscotch Bastard with a boo boo on his forehead.

Burke tells David he helped him because they're friends ... and because it's in his interest to keep things stirred up.You know what else would keep things stirred up? Revealing to the world that DAVID TRIED TO KILL HIS OWN FATHER. I'm just saying.

As explanation, Burke spins a line of bullshit so transparent that it would impress Liz Stoddard: He claims he found in on the side of the road near the site of the wreck.  Naturally, David goes along with the story, but Vicky isn't sure who to believe. She spots a truck-sized plot hole in Burke's story, though, and says that if Burke is telling the truth, it only means he found the valve where David discarded it.

Just as Burke and David are getting cozy in their alibi, Carolyn calls to shoot holes in it (she's not actually in this episode ... her message is relayed through Roger.) Burke claimed he picked David up after seeing him walking by the side of the road, but Carolyn says they were both seen together at the Collinsport Inn.

Roger takes this opportunity to accuse Burke (again) of trying to kill him. "I don't think you're upset that David tampered with your brakes," Burke tells him. "I think you're sore that I didn't."

Burke tries to coach David in the fundamentals of morality, but it doesn't take. The boy believes it's alright to  kill someone you don't like, and goes on to tell Victoria he wishes she "were dead." He goes on to say "I wish a thousand ghosts would come in here and strangle ..." and is thankfully cut off by Roger's timely entrance.

Victoria is naive but not stupid. Seeing that Burke is hiding something, she tells him that she knows he hired a private investigator to check into her background. Being a stonecold pimp, Burke offers to tell Victoria why he did it ... "over dinner."