OFF TOPIC: It's end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

By WALLACE McBRIDE

So, there's been some weird shit going down lately in the Carolinas.

I should clarify: Some atypical shit has been going down lately, as opposed to our traditional "Let's rally around the confederate flag and pretend we ain't racist" foolishness. I've lived in the South long enough to be able to quantify that behavior, regardless of how depressing it can be. The same can't be said about our recent rash of cryptozoology news stories.

A “large bi-pedal animal covered in hair” was reported in North Carolina’s McDowell County last weekend prompting reactions that not even God could have predicted. Bigfoot was allegedly spotted in a forested area of the county, and might have thrown rocks at a group of Bigfoot "hunters." The group was scattering glow sticks in the forest in an effort to lure Ole 'Squatch into the open. “Its face was solid black, no hair on it. The hair looked shaggy all over,” witness John E. Bruner reportedly posted to the Bigfoot 911 Facebook group. (The group has since closed itself to the public, probably because of assholes like me.)

Buckle up, because this tale is about to get weirder.

Concerned that the residents of Greenville, S.C., might contract a lethal case of Bigfoot Fever, the city's police department asked people to refrain from shooting at the cryptid. You know, should he show himself in the area. Which he hasn't.

After watching this video from nearby Boone, North Carolina, Facebook followers and friends, I think we can say with...
Posted by Greenville Police Department on Tuesday, August 8, 2017

“If you see Bigfoot, please do not shoot at him/her, as you’ll most likely be wounding a fun-loving and well-intentioned person, sweating in a gorilla costume,” said a post on the Greenville Police Department’s Facebook page.

Speaking of costumes, a man named Gawain MacGregor came forward yesterday to suggest that he might have accidentally been responsible for the N.C. Bigfoot sighting. The Minnesota tourist claims he had been walking around the N.C. woods wearing animal skins as part of a ritual to “become one with nature.”

"That night not too long after I started wandering I ran into a couple of people little ways away. I was not in a very heavily trafficked area so I was surprised to see them and they were surprised to see me. So I just turned around and left," MacGregor told the Citizen-Times. "What was I supposed to say to them?"

Just a normal guy with normal interests.

Are we done yet? No, we are not.

Bigfoot is really small potatoes in the Palmetto State. Much like a once-outrageous rock band, Bigfoot has slowly become tame over the decades and has lost the ability to frighten people (2014's WILLOW CREEK being the rare exception.) Here in South Carolina, we've got a bona fide Spider-Man villain wandering our rural habitats: The Lizard Man. Our local cryptid was first spotted in Lee County, South Carolina, way back in 1988. Since then, he's made only sporadic appearances, presumably devoting his time and energies to other interests. He came out of retirement briefly in 2015 and looks to possibly make a full comeback this month.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

"Could Lizard Man emerge during eclipse? SC agency says to ‘remain ever vigilant,’" is an actual goddamned headline published by an actual goddamned newspaper here in South Carolina. This headline comes courtesy of the Twitter feed of the South Carolina Emergency Management Division.

Regarding possible paranormal activity potentially occurring during the #SolarEclipse2017. As always, if you see something, say something. pic.twitter.com/O3IuYhHzqB

— SCEMD (@SCEMD) August 9, 2017

"SCEMD does not know if Lizardmen become more active during a solar eclipse," the agency explains. "But we advise that residents of Lee and Sumter counties should remain ever vigilant."

Let's recap: We've got a rare solar eclipse heading our way on Aug. 21, a number of recent UFO sightings still being processed, Bigfoot reports, preemptive lizardmen warnings, and a nuclear showdown involving two international "leaders" with the self-control of silver age comicbook villains ...

Holy shit, I ALMOST FORGOT, Y'ALL. We also had a possible Chupacabra sighting in Santee, S.C. last week. A man named Doug Stewart posted a series of photos Aug. 5 he had taken at a golf course, asking "Can somebody pleeeeease tell me what the flock this is!?!?" His message was accompanied by the No, I'm not making this up hashtag, #ThatAintNoDog.

#ThatAintNoDog ... it's clearly a sick fox.

Not to be left out, Bumcombe County, N.C. has also had reports of a "devil dog," which was photographed as part of the state's Candid Critters program. The Charlotte Observer published a headline that read "Some say a chupacabra is on the loose" ending the story with an explanation that every "chupacabra" that's ever been studied has turned out to be some common North American animal. Which is a representative look into America's cultural psyche, frankly. "Mythical being spotted! Science has yet to prove its existence, but let's pretend that's not a relevant factor."