The Dark Shadows Daybook: November 15

By PATRICK McCRAY

Taped on this day in 1968: Episode 632

With Conrad Bain and Bobbi Ann Woronko, this much fun just can’t be legal. But will Maggie survive the wedding to Nicholas? Chris Jennings: Don Briscoe. (Repeat; 30 min.)

Nicholas and Maggie agree to marry that night and move to London. Chris attempts to reconcile with his sister, who throws gifts around Windcliff until he agrees to stay and enjoy more of this adorable behavior. As Nicholas performs his satanic wedding ceremony, Chris transforms into a werewolf and kills Mr. Wells, the innkeeper.

Comedies end in weddings and tragedies end in funerals. This does both. Several times over.

A little space guys?

The whole wedding business is not evidence of the Power of Love as much as the Power of Blind Panic. What is the plan, here? Does he think this will buy Satan’s sympathy. “I’m a married man, sir, with a bambino on the way…..”

“Oh, that changes everything.”

Maybe he hopes this will make him blend in. Satan will speak through the mouths of dozens of women, trying to page Nicholas, but he’ll never get to Maggie because he’s looking for a bachelorette, not a married lady. Fooled you, Diabolos! Ha-ha! Then, Nicholas will grab Maggie, untie the end of a chandelier, and go swinging across the balcony on a rope as Diabolos says, “Seize him you, fools! He’s getting away!” But by the time he does, Nicholas is already popping the champagne in his London flat as Maggie slips into either a teddy or a deep-sea, atmospheric diving suit.

I honestly think that’s Nicholas’ plan. And that’s partly because I can see Humbert Allen Astredo doing it. You can, too. Now, try to picture David Ford doing it. You can’t. Weird, huh? And what does Maggie have that’s so special, anyway? To tame a man from hell? It must be something. Everyone thinks that Carolyn gets all of the weird guys, but Maggie holds her own. Let’s compare…

CAROLYN                         MAGGIE
Buzz                         Barnabas
Tony                         Nicholas
Adam                         Probably Quentin
Chris
Jeb
And, kind of, her own uncle.

Okay, I take it back. Carolyn does get more of the weird ones. But Maggie tests well in the all-important Male Vampire and Satanist (ages 35-197) demographic. But they weren’t counting those then, and that’s why Star Trek was canceled.

It’s a marvelous episode, and I now have the recording of Nicholas conducting his own wedding ceremony to use as the backdrop for my own, if I ever find that special lady. I don’t necessarily mean “special” in a Bailey Jay manner, although now that I read that, I realize that I just made myself sound like a bigot. Okay, Bailey Jay, too, I suppose. I’m just talking about someone who’d actually marry me. And after this column comes out, I think that’s going to be a very rarified circle. So what I’m saying is that if you want your own occult wedding to me, you need to send your top three reasons why and a SASE to unclequentin1897@gmail.com. I have the blood of the raven and the blood of the bat, but you’re going to have to swing by Top Hat Liquors to get some blood of the owl, because I ran through all of mine when I gave that Eagle scout speech for the heir to a urinal cake manufacturing empire. (Which is partially a true story.)

Bobbi Ann Woronko and Robert Rodan. 

Conrad Bain.

Beauty queen, former Miss Pennsylvania, and fan contest winner, Conrad Bain, returns to steam up the screen on Dark Shadows as Mr. Wells, despite being deemed by network censors as “too frank and erotic” for some viewers. Also, keep your eyes peeled for Nurse Pritchett, played by the heartwarming Canadian character actor, Bobbi Ann Woronko. Okay, the names are scrambled around. And I doubt the network censors said that about Nurse Pritchett, although she’s easy on the eyes. Maybe she’ll marry me. It could be that it’s not Conrad Bain at all, but his twin brother, Bonar. Research this and come back to me.

Exactly as petulant and demanding as you’d expect, Denise Nickerson makes her debut today as either Molly or Amy. They can’t seem to figure out which. Molly was probably related to Julius Hoffman, who was played by Bonar Bain. It all comes full circle in a Jeremy Bearimy kind of way.

Speaking of bears, Chris turns into a werewolf and kills Conrad Bain.

Only the good die young.

This episode was broadcast Nov. 26, 1968.